So the last post- a lot of where it came from was what I've been thinking about aromance recently. Thinking about friendships and relationships, and how I can create relationships which work for me. How I create relationships is fundamentally an asexual issue, and that's... odd, when you've just abandoned the only label you've ever felt comfortable in and now you have a suuddenly decreased quality of relationships.
I'm not going to talk about relationships today. Instead, I'm going to talk about creation. I want to create something. Something interpersonal. It was a goal of mine already to figure out how to do that, and now it's a need. For want of better words, a party, but not a party as such, because a load of strangers and loud music is the opposite of what I want. A gathering. A meeting of minds. Mostly, I want to create a space. A space in which I can be myself and relax.
And, for me, it's big stakes. It's not just the people I chat to in lunch breaks, friends mean everything to me and they will always mean everything to me. There is nothing more out there.
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I didn't think your last post was random. As you might expect, it made a lot of sense to me. I feel like ever since I graduated from college, there has been a much greater emphasis on "couples", and this is just one reason why I think the quality of my friendships has declined. What you're talking about, I call "friend chemistry". This must have been 8 years ago now, but I remember walking around the neighborhood with a new friend, talking about our cats. It was a simple thing, but at that moment, I felt so much potential in our relationship that it was really exciting. I want to cultivate more experiences like that, but I don't know how, when the ones I've had just seemed to happen at random. Friends are #1 for me as well, so I feel the high stakes. I just don't feel like I'm #1 to them. bah!
ReplyDelete"Friends are #1 for me as well, so I feel the high stakes. I just don't feel like I'm #1 to them."
ReplyDeleteYes, that is exactly it! And I know it's going to get worse and more couply, so I feel like I need to develop all these coping strategies.
And the thing is, I can completely see where my random crises about suddenly being in a new place might end up becoming something helpful. And I'm guessing loads of others with aromantic tendencies understand where we're both coming from. But right now, with no time to write, what I'm writing doesn't seem especially asexy.